rules of engagement: how do we talk to each other?

To hear Brandi read this week’s essay, visit the Expand Your Us YouTube Channel, or click here: https://youtu.be/Z3n0moOzyqs

I begin every class of every semester with a discussion about class discussions. I tell my students I am obnoxiously committed to helping them fully participate in my course, and that I care about their full engagement more than most professors. I tell them, with alarming authenticity, that I believe the magic of the classroom offers a collaborative learning environment hard to duplicate elsewhere. I tell them, with vacillating sincerityJ, that I do not think I know more that they do. I promise to listen well, to learn from them, to be fully present every single time we meet together. Since I value it so highly, I think it only fair to first lead them in a moment of metacognition—where we think about the way we think—about discussion, about how discourse happens, about what we mean when we say we shared a conversation.

I think we find ourselves in a similar moment in our country. We are shifting gears, transitioning from one way of thinking and talking about others to another path forward. We have taken power away from one way to be in the world, and are investing in new habits, new practices. But the stakes are high. The political engagement is high. More people voted on November 3rd than ever before in the history of the USA. People care, deeply. And we are very divided. Even though Joe Biden and Kamala Harris won more votes than any American ticket has, Donald Trump and Mike Pence also won more votes than they ever have before. Our teams believe very different things about America, about American people, and about how we live together.

What now? How do we talk to each other? I admit, I have almost been thankful that we are re-entering smaller worlds as we stay safer at home. Upon reflection, I am nervous about talking with folks who think really differently than I do about who belongs here in our country. I’m embarrassed about it because I believe relentlessly in our ability to appreciate each other. My life’s work concerns how we might come together, reaching across lines of difference, expanding our us as we learn to claim each other as family. And yet, here I am, wondering what healing conversations might sound like.

What does good discussion require? What does communal meaning making demand of us? These are questions we have to ask ourselves if we want to be a part of the coming together that is hopefully upon us. 

In the spirit of new beginnings, here are some of the takeaways from my classroom discussions about classroom discussions.

1)   You must be present and engaged. We can’t talk to each other if we don’t talk to each other. Do you have friends you either avoid or avoid certain topics with? Do you think about a thing all day long, but then suppress it around certain people? As my friend David Dark says, the price of admission cannot be the suppression of my conscience, of my thinking and wondering about the world. There is a way of living now that suggests “staying out of it” is the better path, that apathy is holy somehow. I disagree. Show up. Mention things that worry or fascinate you. Be present.

2)   You must listen. In order to collaborate in the work of making meaning with others, we have to listen to them. Often, a student will have a thought, put her hand up, and stop listening to anyone around her until she gets the floor. This is a terrible way to discuss anything. Instead, we must do two things at one time. Listen, think, process, listen more, watch body language, look in people’ eyes, and contribute when you can. We have to be curious about what someone else might offer, how another’s thoughts could change our perspective. We have to be as invested in understanding their thoughts as we are in sharing our own.

3)   You must speak in context. Our ideas do not exist in vacuums, and they will not flourish in isolation. Many of us have a habit of repeating a thing, whether or not it is relevant to the conversation at hand. This is not helpful, but reduces any conversation to a series of one offs, where no one listens, and where communal meaning making becomes impossible. Good conversations require contextualization. Rather than drilling down on the point I hope to make, I need to listen to, understand, and then summarize and respond to another. When we do this, we share our ideas in a meaningful context. Allow an idea to interact with your experience by bringing it into the context of your life. Does it resonate? Does it not? Explain how it works or doesn’t work by sharing the ideas and experiences that form your own background. Make ideas personal. Not heated and loud, but contextualized by your own life.

4)   We must actively listen. Active listening is a tool my mom taught me. It requires me to listen, to restate and even refine her point in an effort to understand, and to build on her perspective. When we do this well, as I tell my students, we sometimes stumble into writing a beautiful paper aloud together. I contribute an idea, contextualizing it with my own experience, making it relevant to the discussion. Someone else complicates it in her retelling, adding more nuance or experience. A third soul expands the idea even further, bringing in challenge and a new perspective. Active listening communicates to others in the discussion that we find them valuable, that we find them worth listening to, that we appreciate their perspectives, even if they ultimately prove faulty.

I have participated in truly marvelous classroom moments, and they do not require everyone to start or end on the same page. These experiences give me hope that as a nation, we do not have to freeze in this moment of discord. We don’t have to stay here. If the last few years have taught us anything, I hope it is that Washington DC will not save us. Do not wait for Republicans and Democrats to respect or value each other. Don’t wait for salon-like moments on the Senate floor, where curious thinkers create solutions together. Instead, start small, and engage fully with those around you. Listen to them. Try to understand. Share your ideas, in context with theirs. Speak precisely, from your experience, and be aware of the fact that you belong to a larger group of people. Your family and your ideas are not islands. Share your whole self with those around you, and imagine a better way to belong.